Larry Flynt To Run For Mayor Of New Orleans
by Bourgeios Teaux'deaux…”on the beat off the record"
[dateline: Flint, Michigan]
One-time Presidential candidate, free speech activist, beaver enthusiast and inventor of "The Wheelie! Protective Cup", Larry Flynt announced today his intention to run for mayor of New Orleans. But why announce in Flint, Michigan? "Well, I like the name recognition." says Flynt, in Flint. "People often call me a skin-flint. And also, everyone knows how Flint starred in Michael Moore's first movie. What a lot of people don't know is that Michael starred in one of my movies back in the 70s and worked under me as a cub intern early in his career. That's right. Where do you think he first learned the secret ins and outs of hidden-camera blackma—errru'ha, I mean, documentary film making? But does he ever remember to mention who gave him his first shot, who broke him in, showed him the ropes, taught him how to struggle, how to behave, how to say 'yes please, Mr. Larry, may I have some more?' Does he ever think of me when he palms his little Oscar? Nah! What a pig."
~~When asked about his reasons for leaving a lucrative position at the head of such an ostentatious porn papacy (OPP) to try to run the city of New Orleans, arguably the least glamorous head of the OPP business, the Master Bater had this to say, "Leave this? You gotta be joking. But hey, didn't Nagin prove that you don't have to actually "live" in the city to be elected mayor, much less show up for work? Plus I already have a Hustler Club down there on Bourbon St, which would save the city a bundle on office space, secretaries, VIP conference rooms and Congressional liaisons."
~~Larry Mac'Porn went on to further expound and escatelate upon his new fetish for Louisiana politics, "New Hell! I've been making butt'loads of money off of Louisiana politicians for years. It’s just lately that I didn't even have to pay any money up front. Wish I'd'a figured that one out sooner, like when I was opening my club. Jezuz'Judaz! Now THAT cost a forkin' tub-0-greese! But it turns out to be a much better return on investment this way. Yeah, there's the cost of the occasional lie detector tests, but that's what, 150 bucks? Chump change. That reward money I used to entrap, errra, I mean…ensnare Sen. Bob “Make a” Livingston? It all came from donations! I swear! Every penny. Really. It's true! And get this, the magazine revenues generated by that one 'outing' paid for a lot of my girls to finish high school—errr’uh, I mean college, let me tell you. I swear! Every penny. Really. It's true! And this guy Vitter? Aw man, what a gold mine! I can’t beat 'em off with a stick!"
~Finally, when asked if he wasn't at least slightly afraid of another hurricane striking the city, and his plans for evacuation, given the current mayor's state of preparedness and his own evacuationally challenged modus ambulatus, the Gizard King and Potential Orleans Potentate (POP) had this to say, "You're really kidding me now right?", rasped Flynt, "Oh Bourgeois, you'such a joker...you should meet my seester! Why, I've been shot at, laid out, blacked-out, black-mailed and priority-mailed. I've been rolled, bowled, doled, trolled, pimped and gimped. I've had my chest shaved. I've had my legs shaved. Wanna see my butt? I've even had my butt shaved! And don't ask me about wax jobs. I've been whipped, dipped, stripped and tipped. I've had midgets walk all over my back in gold lame‘ and purple rhinestone baseball cleats while we drank gatorade and laughed until sunrise. I'm so bad my mama had to ask permission for me to attend elementary school. My daddy used to beat me over the head just for lookin' crosseyed. You think I'm gonna be afraid of a little old hurricane? Damn Right! But I have a plan. A big plan. Big big big. We'll market New Orleans as, get ready, you're gonna love it…we'll get Fox to do a cop show, right? Name it: 'Hustler & Blow', about a white chic/black guy team, where she's not really a chic and he's not really a cop or black or even from Louisiana and needs a blow job every couple of hours to stay focused... Anyway, I'll be long gone before any of youz suckers even think about calling the mayor with your problems. Evacuation Esshhmaculation! " Campaign shlogans anyone?
"New Orleans, is you BENT fo'FLYNT?"
"Feelin' Skin't~Vote fo'Flynt!"
The Indians Are Coming! The Indians Are Coming! High'Time Fo'Da New Suits~Super'Sunday Mar 16th
Not your father’s web design conference~April 24-25thNot your mother's garden party
VDAY 1({})
April 11-12, 2008~Join Salma Hayek, Oprah Winfrey, Faith Hill, Jane Fonda, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Hudson, Glenn Close, Julia Stiles, Ali Larter, Sally Field, Marisa Tomei, Calpernia Addams, Rosario Dawson, Kerry Washington, and musicians Common, Eve, and Charmaine Neville on Friday and Saturday for V-Day’s mega two-day anniversary celebration in New Orleans at the New Orleans Arena and Louisiana Superdome - V TO THE TENTH.
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Eitilla would think of it more as Arbeit Macht Frei.
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That sound we hear is the Beast grinding its teeth on da'bones of our eviscerated, evacuated, inoculated culture.
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~Insurance Journal~The Exquixotic Corps of "Engineers" recently committed an additional $250,000--One Quarter of another Million Dolla!-- to complete the risk study.
Editilla gnashes about, rants and shills, as they say in the RNC men's room,"But f*ck it!" Aren't They supposed to be paying Us for such a Good Time? If we bend over any farther then we'll just have to start pulling this whole train all over again. Darn, we can't just take these Illegitimate, Lying Fakirs to a Court of Law now, can we? Been there done that. And all I got was this bloody T-shirt with which to hang myself. Silly me...stupid stupid tax-payer! I know they only want us to like them. Oh well...Hey! How about calling on our elected representatives? OOPS! Right...I forgot...we Americans don't do Representative Government any more either. DOH! All this electionairing goin'on and I had 'bout forgotten all those Dead People I saw during the flood, the danger and sheer terror of surviving knife fights and gun battles, the way the cops ran, the darkenss on the American horizon. Jeez Louie, you'd t'ink Editilla's done fallen off a high-chair or somet'ing! Let's not even get to The War, eh? Too much information. Suck It Up People! We need to know about the "Election" that doesn't exist. Who is winning the election that doesn't exist? Didn't we go to War in Iraq? No that is BlackWater freedomizing our nation building efforts to counter the Persian threat of Al Chrimea or some non christian evil doer sand nigger over there. Who cares anyway? What about the election thingies? Editilla needs to know about the thingies!
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...out-sourced pilot simulator training to desert Saudi Arabia?
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