The Declaration of Corporate Independence
By Horatio Alegeranon

When in the Course of oil drilling, it becomes necessary for one Corporation (BP) to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with The Small People, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and fundamentally un-equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of The Small People requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all Persons (and that includes corporations according to the US Supreme Court) are absolutely not created equal (and certainly not equal with pelicans and dolphins), that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life (yachting), Liberty (to censor photographers, reporters, scientists and others at will) and the pursuit of Happiness ($$$). That to secure these rights, Corporations are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the Board of Directors, That whenever any Form of Government (eg, Plaquemines Parish ) becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of The Big People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government (headquartered offshore), laying its foundation on such principles (maximizing profits and minimizing losses) and organizing its powers in such form (no photographers or others within 65 feet of boom or beaches or cleanup workers under threat of fine and/or jail time), as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety (minimize future jury settlements) and Happiness (maximum $$$). Prudence (The Small People and the Pentagon buy our gas), indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that Corporations are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses (from the likes of Billy Nungesser, Andersen Cooper and even Jimmy Buffett) and usurpations (Georgianne Nienaber and other photographers trying to get photos of oiled pelicans), pursuing invariably the same Object (information that might help mitigate the oil impacts -- and act as evidence in future court cases) evinces a design to reduce them (The Big People) under absolute Despotism (legal regulations in place but not currently being enforced), it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security (minimize liability).

We, therefore, the Representatives of BP plc, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the Big People of these Conglomerates (BP, Transocean, Halliburton), solemnly publish and declare, That these United Conglomerates are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of the United States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the American Clown, and that all political connection between them and the United States, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Corporations, they have full Power to create oil volcanoes, apply Corexit, burn sea turtles alive, contract Alliances (eg, with the US Coast Guard), establish press blackouts, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Corporations may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence (and a few well place judges), we mutually pledge to each other our Lives (yachting), our Fortunes ($$$)
and our sacred Honor (His Royal Heinous Tony Hayward)